I'm not going to dwell on this too much, but lets just say there was a moment when I really thought I was going to end up crumpled by the side of the road in tears and throwing a temper tantrum of self pity that would put Jack's to shame. Rather than do this I took a big deep breath, let some tears out and started to think about why I was putting myself through this torture. Jack is the reason I'm putting myself through this torture, and as many times as I break down I will just have to lift myself out of the pity with an honest look at how much he means to me.
I can't tell you how many times I've heard or read that this kind of thing takes a lot of work. It's totally obvious that if it takes years of abuse to get your body in ill health, then it's surely going to take a while to get it back to a sense of balance. As I was cycling up a little hill and cursing it for it's "hilly-ness", I was struck by the absurdity of why I would think it would be easy. I mean its so stupid to think it would be easy and although I know this mentally, emotionally I'm in denial. I think I actually worked through some of these emotions today, not to sound too much like an episode of the Biggest Loser, but I really made mental progress. Mostly I just stopped caring what other people thought and started re-focusing on my reasons for doing it in the first place.
I posted the picture above on the 30 days of Biking Facebook page and the caption that came to me was perfect in my mind..."This is from our trip today, we just got back. I had trouble finding my motivation until I realized he was sitting right behind me"
i hear you, and feel yer pain. i love my bike, all of my bikes, but i often find myself threatening to throw one in the river, or leave it for the bums. i question why i ever thought i could make a go of this, counting on a stupid hunk of steel. i take it all back and wear a huge-ass grin when things are going smoothly. as soon as a load does not secure how i want, or the trailer hitch comes loose, and suddenly my trailer full of cargo, is next to me....not undone, but smashing my fender into my tire, for sure. as you did, i take a minute, use the tools i have, literally, fix the issue and pedal on. usually i can trace each issue back to me, but i like to curse and blame the inanimate object in the moment instead, then reflect and try and get my lesson later. often i end up using that frustration or rage to push my pedals. i feel like i can depend on my bike and do anything with it, when a minor issue, or major obstacle stalls or slows me, in frustration i question what i am doing it and why? when i realize it is my motivation and momentum that will make things work out at the end of the day,i am glad i am doing what i am doing, and doing it the way i am doing it. blood, sweat, curses, swears, kicks, screams,tears and all. keep on rolling along. Peace!
ReplyDeleteKori- you had me laughing! I'm so glad I'm not the only one that swears at inanimate objects! Your work is such an inspiration to me, but I'm sure it has it's moments! Thank you for your comment, it really made me smile! Lindsay
DeleteHeh, I totally forgot about 30 days of biking. Luckily I went out on the bike both yesterday and today. It's the hills that get me too. I know, everyone says Portland is flat, but try it with a 90-pound bike full of 90 pounds of kid. Suddenly our little hills are steeper than they seemed. That doesn't even factor in that I'm 46 and weigh a lot more than I should. My long-term goal has been to be able to do Bridge Pedal without needing to switch bikes with my husband and make him pedal the kids up the bridges. I don't think I'm going to make it, but I'm hoping that longer rides, including some hills, will have me in a different frame of mind on May 1st. Keep pedaling!
ReplyDeleteHaha 90lb of kid is a lot! Jack's only at 37lb or so- which is quite enough. Portland certainly has hills! My brother used to take my Niece to school on his Ute, up Burnside to 23rd...he said he would be peddlin along thinking he was doing great and "whiz" someone would pass him and they weren't even pedaling...turns out they had e-assist lol.
DeleteI'm still hoping we can make it down for Bridge Pedal. There is some question as to how we'd get our bikes there if we can't rely on Amtrak.
Thanks Kath for your comment!
Lindsay
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ReplyDeleteKeep on keeping on! It was almost a year ago I sold the car and started riding "Full Time". Almost a year, and 40 lbs lighter (40 to go yet!) there are no regrets. The first couple weeks will be hell, but pretty soon you will be laughing at those hills and hauling Jacks buddies with! You will begin to feel better, look better, eat better, it is an awesome cycle! We will be following closely!!!
ReplyDeleteHi Al-
DeleteThank you for your comments, it is so good to hear from someone else who has already done this. And at a year into it you must have overcome some ups and downs and come out the other side. I can't imagine hauling a second child on here yet, but maybe one day! Thank you again-Lindsay
Lindsay,you're doing fine,my friend! You did really great realising a few things (these things have helped me as well),the reasons you're doing it (Jack),and that you needn't worry about what anyone else may think...I find when I worry too much about that one,it helps to ask myself "Did this person send me a check to pay my house payment this month? No? Then it doesn't matter what they think,I don't have to please them".
ReplyDeleteYou are doing awesome,my friend-you and Kyle are an inspiration! And BTW,you aren't that overwieght and you have something MANY people lack,awesome motivation (love for your child and husband),AND drive to do what you need to. Need proof? Did you drive to shoot those pics? NO! You rode! :D Keep going,we're all here for support,as is your awesome husband and son,you can do this,you've already proven it :)
The Disabled Cyclist
Hey T.D.C- aww you made me cry, so sweet! Thank you for everything, for always being such a great support. I hope you are enjoying your rides too!
DeleteI read your post to my hubby, and he too was very touched. It's getting easier, right now it's been going good!
Lindsay
No thanks needed,my friend,I was only speaking the truth from my heart. You guys ARE an inspiration :)
DeleteThe Disabbled Cyclist
Lindsay, being out there, cursing and being frustrated is the biggest effort, the rest is just determination and stubborness. Keep at it, despair is normal, but overwon easily. :)
ReplyDelete/JS / Carrygo
JS- I literally just sent you an email! Funny;) Yes, you are right, I'm learning. Every day that passes seems like a lesson, and I feel like I'm gaining momentum. Glad you commented- Lindsay
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